5 Ways to Improve Your Social Life as an Adult

Every milestone in your life comes with meeting new people.  As you get older, it can be harder to make and maintain friendships than it was when you were a kid.  As a child, you were probably surrounded by peers at school day after day.  Perhaps you were involved in activities where you could easily connect with friends who had similar interests.  Merely playing together at recess was likely enough for you to foster the roots of a long lasting friendship.

As an adult, there’s no longer a cafeteria table for you to sit at or after school activities for you to attend with the same people everyday.  As you become involved with life’s many obligations like making a living or taking care of children, friendships might fall by the wayside.  Over time, relationships may grow apart for a number of different reasons.  Since close friendships are associated with positive outcomes through life transitions1, promoting self-esteem and wellbeing2, don’t neglect this important area of your life! If you’re feeling like your current friendships are less fulfilling than you might like, try some of these strategies to make and keep new friendships.

  • Surround yourself with likeminded people- Get involved with something in your community where you can find others who have similar interests.  This could be volunteering for a cause you’re passionate about, signing up for a sports league, or taking a class on a topic you’re interested in.  Chances are there will be at least one person to connect and you’ll easily have things in common to talk about!
  • Put yourself out there- It’s not easy to make an initial contact with potential friends.  Get used to making small talk throughout your day.  Put on a smile, and make contact with as many people as you can.  You never know where you’ll find your next close friendship.
  • Use social media-You might have hundreds of friends on Facebook, but struggle to think of one person to call in the midst of a crisis.  Using social media is a great way to reconnect with old friends or acquaintances.  It’s easy to see who’s in your area to get together with.  Online forums are also excellent outlets to find people in your area with similar interests.
  • Take a genuine interest-Once you have made initial contact with a new person, it’s important to take a true interest in who they are and what they’re all about.   Ask questions and truly listen to what others have to say.
  • Be patient-Don’t expect to have a new BFF overnight.  It will likely take many encounters with one person to start feeling like friends.  Give it time.  Once you find someone you’d like to get to know a little better, put in the effort get together over multiple occasions and watch the friendship grow!

Friendships are a unique part of the human experience and with a little time and energy you can build your community to feel more connected and cared for!

 

1. Hartup, W. W. (1996). The company they keep: Friendships and their developmental significance. Child Development, 67, 1-13.
2. Hartup, W. W., & Stevens, N. (1999). Friendships and adaptation across the lifespan. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 8, 76-79.

Don’t Let Depression Defeat You!

Feeling a little down from time to time is a normal phenomenon that most of us experience. However, when feelings of sadness, despair, or emptiness linger to the point where they are interfering with your ability to function optimally in your daily life, you may be suffering from depression. According to the Center for Disease Control, an estimated 1 in 10 adults report symptoms of some form of depression—either major depression or one of the other clinical versions of it. Depression can affect every aspect of your life. In addition, it can also make your hopes and dreams seem to be permanently out of reach.

Coping with depression can be especially challenging since when depressed, it’s hard to motivate yourself to do the things you need to do to start feeling better. So in this sense, depression keeps itself going. That’s why battling depression isn’t easy by any means. But with your relentless commitment, you can overcome it.

To cope with depression, it’s best to start with small steps and then gradually build on them. Many depressed people hold the belief that things will never get better. So when this is the case, it’s understandable why you’d avoid fighting it. If this feels familiar, ask yourself, is this dour belief that things won’t change completely true? Can you entertain the possibility that things might get even slightly better? For example, can you recall a time when you have been able to make yourself feel better? If you have, you can probably do it again; and a good place to start is with your daily routine.

Although it can be particularly difficult to gather the energy to do the activities you usually enjoy when experiencing symptoms of depression, doing those things you find pleasurable and upbeat can quickly bring about a change in your mood. So write down a list of activities you really enjoy doing. These items can be as small as making yourself a cup of hot chocolate or listening to your favorite music. Also, add things that are a little more involved, like taking a drive some place where you enjoy spending time. Including some physical activities is also a great idea, because exercise releases the chemicals in your brain and your body associated with a positive mood1.

In addition to this list of things you enjoy, write down some positive diversions you may not think to do when you’re feeling down, but might really help you if you only remembered to do them at those key times. Don’t forget to include on your list such items as talking with people who you consider to be sources of comfort and strength.

Try to do at least one thing on your list on a daily basis and begin to monitor how it’s affecting your spirits. Our moods typically follow our actions. So push yourself to do an enjoyable activity that you would do if you were not depressed.

A good way to measure the effectiveness of these steps you take, is by rating the intensity of your depression before and after your participate in a given activity. Use a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 representing the smallest possible feeling of sadness and 10 representing the most intense anguish. Think about or write down the numerical rating of your mood both before and after the activity you choose, in order to see for yourself how what you do actually affects your mood.

If depression persists beyond a few weeks, I urge you to seek professional help. Depression is not always psychological in nature; and determining what is psychological versus what is medical requires consulting a mental health professional. With your determination, overcoming depression is possible. These steps will help you to move away from the darkness of depression and toward the light within you. That light is always there, just as the sun can always be found under the clouds! For many more actions steps you can take, download my complimentary audio program, Overcoming Your Depression.

 

 

 1. Mayo Clinic Staff (2011, October) Depression and anxiety: Exercise eases symptoms.  Retreived October 10, 2012 from http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression-and-exercise/MH00043.

Discover the Benefits of Mindfulness

Do you sometimes find yourself thinking more about past and/or future things than what you’re doing in the present? If so, you might be missing much of the beauty the life has to offer. Perhaps, you’re not performing daily tasks to the best of your ability or it might be that you’re very efficient and productive, but find that once everything is complete on your “to-do” list, your day felt like a total whirlwind. While working on “auto pilot” can sometimes help you to be very successful; achieving greater peace, fulfillment, happiness and self-awareness can come from intentionally stopping to fully take in what’s going on around you. Mindfulness, or the practice of being aware of your mind and body at a given moment, can help increase your awareness in the here and now. Studies show that incorporating this into your daily life can reduce stress and help you to function more at your peak level of performance[1].

With its roots in Buddhism, mindfulness (which is the secular arm of Buddhism) has been around for thousands of years, because it works! Here’s a simple technique to try if you’re a beginner or even if you’ve already experienced the benefits that similar techniques have to offer: Choose a mindfulness “cue”. This can be anything in your environment, from eating a meal to stopping at a red light. Every time you notice your cue, it’s time for you to step back and focus your attention on the present. The cue of eating a meal is a great one, especially if you find yourself tossing food in your mouth when you’re hungry (or not) without even noticing what you’re eating. If mealtime is your cue of choice, every time you’re about to eat something, focus in on the present moment and on the true purpose of the action your taking: to nourish your body and maybe even to consume something delicious that induces feelings of happiness. As you chew, notice how the texture and taste of the food feels on every part of your tongue. Notice the movement of your jaw as you chew. After each bite, focus on the sensation of the sustenance filling your body with nutritious vitamins and minerals. Each bite should be taken with as much intention and purpose as the last, to turn what once was a mundane lunch break into a moment in your day that you look forward to because it fills you with positive feelings of calm and peace.

A driving cue might be a good one for you if you find yourself mindlessly driving to the same place (such as work and home) over and over again. As you approach each red light, focus on your breath in the present moment with no criticism or judgment. Do this until the light changes, then do it again at the next red light. Without stopping to notice the scenery around you, you might be missing out, especially if you’re someone who spends many hours a day commuting or in the car. Life can be much more enjoyable when you notice the small things in your path, instead sleepwalking through your days.

You can personalize your cue to be anything that works for you. Lots of hustle and bustle can make staying present a challenge, especially when you’re juggling many roles in your life. With practice, noticing what’s going on within you and around you in the moment gets easier and easier. At that point, you can add more things in your daily life to serve as reminders to focus on the present and to be more self-aware, accepting of the things that throw you off balance and conscious of the small things in life that can bring you happiness and joy. With this in mind, you’ll no longer miss out on the many things in the world you may never have noticed before. I also offer some more suggestions to deal with juggling the roles you hold in your life in my book.

Is Giving to Charity Always a Stage Seven Endeavor?

Since your view of charity (giving/receiving of time, money, or other tangibles to/from others) is a very personal matter, the short answer is no. Contributions of time or money to charity or a cause you support is a situation where your unique values prevail. Your true motive is what tells the story. For example, at Stage Seven, your contribution may be a result of your inspiration to benefit the world or a certain deserving subset of it for a cause in which you believe. At times, this could even make your own life more complicated or difficult than it would be otherwise. At Stage Six, it could be the opportunity to do some type of work that you enjoy doing for a charity, which you don’t have the opportunity to perform as a part of your career or regular life. At Stage Five, it could possibly be to fulfill the expected role of giving back (and besides, giving tangibles to charity is tax-deductible). At Stage Four, it could be to receive the praise and recognition that often comes from others as a result of giving (many charities even publish the names of their donors, partially for that purpose). Another way to put it is that Fours (as well as Twos) can act like Sevens when the “cameras are rolling.” At Stage Three, you may be giving merely to stay out of hell; Stage Two, to convince others that you have pure intentions, so that they fall prey to a scam of yours; and/or Stage One in order, somehow, to actually receive that charity’s help.

Sevens need no recognition for their acts of charity and kindness. When you are operating at this highest stage, the ability to move the world or a segment of it  (perhaps just one person) in the right direction with respect to something you feel strongly about—where nothing extrinsic for yourself is expected in return— is all the motivation you need. Only you know your true motivations. However, no matter what stage you are starting from, take a moment to visualize the impact your contribution it will have. When that vision can trigger a feeling of true satisfaction, you are definitely in the Stage Seven zone.

Bringing Sexy Back: Reclaiming Your Sexuality

If you’ve been out of the dating scene for a while, are thinking about entering a new relationship, or have found that your relationship has become “sexless”, the idea of having a sexual encounter can be very exciting, but also very nerve-racking. It’s easy to lose touch with your sexual self, so it’s important to give your body and mind permission to feel pleasure and reawaken your sexuality. Here are a few suggestions you can try, to feel more sexual and open to the possibility of experiencing renewed sexual pleasure:

Be open to the possibility that some of your concerns about sex might be quite overblown. So first, list the things that worry you most about reclaiming your sexuality or that you are fearing right now about sex. Once you’ve made your list, it’s important to see if your fears and anxieties are realistic. If not, make a commitment to yourself to replace unrealistic beliefs with ones that serve you. For example, if you write; “I worry my sexual partner might not find me attractive”; replace that with, “This person is expressing interest in being intimate with me, so where’s the evidence that he/she is not attracted to me”? Practice catching yourself every time you find yourself focusing on one of your worrisome beliefs; and replace it with a new one that’s not fear based.

How you feel about your body often affects your ability to feel excited about sex. Make another list of the things that you’re not happy with about your body. Notice the things you’re ready, willing and able to alter and those, which are beyond your control. Instead of concentrating on how your body could be different, see if you can shift your focus to changing your attitude about your body insecurities instead. Usually, no one else is noticing those “flaws” you see but you!

Feeling attracting is most of the battle. Much of your sexuality comes from how you think of yourself as a sexual being. So if you do things to feel sexier, you’re giving your mind the opportunity to catch up with you. Maybe this means putting on a sexy outfit, wearing lingerie underneath your clothing, or putting on a little extra makeup. Perhaps getting pampered in some way, sleeping with satin sheets, taking a bubble bath, or reading a steamy book can help you to hit the right chord. You know what makes you feel sexier, do it and notice whether this helps with your reawakening.

When you are involved in any activity, sexual or not, it can be very pleasant to focus in on the sensory experiences around you. For example, if you are taking a walk, tune into the sounds of nature around you, become aware of the crunch of leaves under your feet, feel the breeze on your skin and take notice of the way your body feels as you take each step. Becoming more aware of experiencing sensuously pleasurable moments in your daily life can go a long way toward helping you to stay present and attuned to your sensory experience during sex.

Your sexuality is a part of you, even if it has felt dormant for a while. With some effort to reconnect with your sexual desires and by refusing to let your fears and anxieties get in the way, you can very quickly open yourself to many new, exciting and pleasurable experiences!

If Holiday Stress is a Disease, The Virus is Your Expectations

The holiday season stereotypically has always been portrayed as a time of fun, joy and warmth with family, friends and colleagues. But it can also be a time of pain and high expectations. And the inevitable disappointments that follow those expectations are often to blame for holiday stress, which has gradually, but now permanently become part of our lexicon.

High hopes about the holiday season — the expectations you put on yourself, as well as on others around you — may magnify whatever is already not going right in your life. And remember this about all expectations: they are a nothing more than premeditated disappointments. For instance; if you’re having financial difficulties, a family conflict, relationship issues or health problems – added expectations that convert to disappointments about the holidays could push your existing stress over the limit.

So resist the urge to set yourself up for more disappointment by comparing this year to the best holiday season of your life, for example. Also, avoid making self-defeating comparisons between yourself and people whom you imagine to be happier than you, have better relationships, great family moments or more money. Comparing your reality with someone else’s image is an almost sure fire way to trigger feelings of disappointment in you.

Instead, consider how you can make the best of your own situation. For example, if you’re alone for the holidays, try volunteering to help make the season a little nicer for someone in greater need. Opportunities abound to volunteer at senior centers, hospitals, shelters, churches and you get the idea. People who volunteer to help others usually find it to be an extremely gradifying experience.

And remember it’s okay to be a little selfish, too. For example, buy yourself a holiday present, or indulge yourself by taking a bubble bath, reaching out to old friends you may have lost contact with, reading a book, learning a new skill, perhaps by even cooking a favorite meal for yourself or however you most enjoy your own solitude.

Holiday stress can also come in the form of too many obligations. If you’re overwhelmed by everyone else’s expectations to spend time with relatives or friends, try to remember that there’s only one of you and you can’t be all things to all people. But you can surely burn yourself out by trying. Limit your commitments, simplify your schedule, and prioritize your activities. Even with loved ones, don’t be afraid to graciously decline or reduce burdensome obligations.

No matter what your holiday plans, try to maintain a sense of humor as reality inevitably crashes into your expectations. So manage those expectations. Keep them realistic. And remember, the less you expect, the freer and more lighthearted you will feel.

Whether you love the holiday season, hate it or anything in between, never forget this one truism: all seasons have a beginning, a middle and an end. In other words, this too shall pass!

Wishing you a holiday with less expectations (aka stress) and thereby more sparkle and joy!

For a Stronger Relationship, Resolve Your Conflicts

No two people can agree on everything, but disagreements or arguments in your relationship don’t have to end with one or both of you angry or in tears. Here are some suggestions to make the bumps in your relationship a little less difficult and more satisfying.

Create a code word-Very rarely when communication goes awry do both partners become angry at the exact same time. So create a code word to use when the conversation starts to get out of hand.  For example, if voices raise and the conversation starts escalating in a negative direction, the less angry partner can say “timeout” (or another calming word or phrase that you both choose together) to stop the conversation in its tracks.  One partner can say this word and remind the other that it’s time to pull the plug on the conversation, cool off and return to the topic at a later time when the conversation can be more productive. This way, it’s much less likely to turn into a full-blown argument.

You’re not a mind reader-And neither is your partner. Unless you express your needs, it’s difficult for someone else to know what they are. When you expect your partner to know how you’re feeling during a fight and what to do about it, you could be setting yourself up for failure— simply because you probably won’t get the response you were hoping for.

Don’t procrastinate- Many times when attempting to communicate turns into a fight, the actual issue never gets discussed.  Perhaps one of you apologizes, the issue fades away and it’s never resolved.  But the same issue will come up again and again if it’s never confronted.  How do you typically avoid difficult conversations?  Maybe you change the subject or walk away from conversations you don’t want to have; but the problem won’t go away on it’s own.  How do you and your partner blow off discussing sticky issues? Have a conversation about this and together, agree to a strategy to get past it.

Two brains are better than one-If it usually feels like you’re on separate sides when trying to come up with a solution to a problem, it’s time to start playing on the same team again. Brainstorm solutions together without judging or analyzing them.  Once you have a list of all your options, you can then discuss each potential option and make a decision together.  Most importantly, talk through each solution until you get to a win-win.

Nothing is more toxic than blame-Be aware of yourself and the way you can change communication between you and your partner.  Look at yourself objectively, remove all of the blame and then see if there are any things you typically do that don’t help solve a problem or discuss an issue.

Focus on what’s important-Forget the small stuff; and ask yourself, if this issue is going to be important in a week? A month? Or a year?  Pick your battles carefully and discuss the things that are truly important to both of you for the long run.

Most of all, don’t lose sight of why you’re bothering to fight in the first place. If it’s worth the energy to make a change in your relationship or voice your opinion, it means you’re invested in finding a resolution to the issue. Through ups and downs, it’s important to always keep in mind the parts of your relationship that you are fighting for.  Working together to resolve issues before a fight gets out of hand can feel wonderful and be a delightful reminder of why the two of you make a great pair!

Don’t Let Your Expectations Do You In

Whether your anger stems from road rage, your relationship, your job, or anything else in your life, the underlying cause might be the same. It’s easy to blame the driver who cut you off, your partner, or your boss for “making you feel angry”, but it’s your expectations that are probably the real culprit. The truth is, expectations are premeditated disappointments. So whenever you’re angry, look for the expectation you have that was not met. The good news is that to the extent that you can change your expectation you can inoculate yourself against anger. And it’s important to do this, because your anger only hurts you!

To stop your expectations from turning into anger and thus getting the best of you, first try to identify your angry triggers. What typically triggers an angry or hostile response in you? Jot down a list of these triggers. Once you’ve come up with your list, take an item that you’ve identified and ask yourself a few questions: Is this really going to be important down the road; in an hour, next week, in a few months or  next year? Is it at all possible that the person with whom I’m angry and I are both right, but have different points of view? What can I do to let go of this anger, since it’s in my best interest to do so?

Next, notice what your typical response is to the trigger. Imagine the most recent time you felt angry. Was your response to the situation helpful or harmful? Was it worth the pain or the energy you used to become enraged? Did you choose your actions or were you merely reacting too quickly?

If it’s becoming clear to you that your angry responses are not serving your best interest, it might instead be time to try some of these proven techniques to manage angry feelings when they occur:

  • Close your eyes and imagine your anger as an object.  What color is it? How big is it and how is it shaped?  As you visualize your anger as an object, imagine it breaking up into small pieces and then evaporating into thin air.
  • You can also visualize the person at whom you are angry.  Imagine what this person looks like, and visualize him or her getting smaller and smaller, and thus less significant.
  • When you’re holding the anger in your body, scan your body from head to toe and notice where in your body you’re holding it. Tense this part of your body as hard as you can until you can feel the pain of your tension at its extreme. Then release the tension.  As you do, notice how your tension releases and your anger melts away. For example, if you notice your shoulders are tense when you’re feeling angry, energetically lift your shoulders up to your ears, and release them and relax. You can do a version of this with almost any part of your body
  • Customize your strategy. What is uniquely calming and tension releasing to you? Listening to music? Vigorous exercise? Reading? Watching a movie? Taking a nice walk in nature? Doing Yoga? Meditation? Make a list of your calmest activities and commit to doing them when they will be most helpful for interrupting a tense mood.

The next time your disappointments about someone not meeting an expectation elicits hostile feelings, try a new strategy to deal with your reaction. There’s nobody I know of, who doesn’t have to put up with some situations or hassles that they are powerless to change. But where you do have power is in your reaction. In order to react differently, try some of these strategies and see how much better you feel on the long run. And make sure to work on the one constant factor behind almost all angry reactions—your expectations! When less energy is given to anger, there’s more room to enjoy the things in your life that return joy and fulfillment!

 

Make Your Relationship Stronger With These Communication Tools

When life’s in full swing, it’s easy to neglect communicating to your partner what’s important in your relationship. And you’re communicating well, when your partner actually hears the message you mean for him or her to hear. This doesn’t always happen, which can be a source of frustration for both of you.

Maybe you and/or your partner aren’t conveying your feelings well or you avoid expressing yourself because it typically turns into a fight. Or it just seems easier to deal with things yourself than to articulate what’s going on to your partner. Whatever the reason your communication is a little off, together,  you can certainly make the decision to press the ‘reset’ button to reestablish good communication with your partner, if you did it better at one point. If you feel you never communicated well, it’s never too late to start! Try some of these suggestions in your relationship to get your point across much better: Read more

Internet Procrastination: Why We Do it and How to Stop

Ever set out to do a task only to later find yourself wasting endless time on websites such as Facebook or Twitter? Do you hop on the computer to write that important email, but within   a few minutes get sidetracked into mindless web surfing finding later you haven’t done what you’ve set out to do? You’re probably experiencing the phenomenon we all know well… Internet procrastination. Everyone does it at some point or another, but why? The underlying reason may be that you get overwhelmed with the amount of things you have to do and the mere thought of getting something started stresses you out. Another possibility is that you’re setting standards for yourself that things must be absolutely perfect, so you don’t even begin to attempt them until the very last minute. This then may make you stress out more ,throwing you into a procrastination snowball. Read more