Singles Scene

You’ve no doubt heard about (or experienced first hand) the “ horrors” of the singles scene – tales of singles bars and the “meat market” atmosphere commonly thought of as being a good spots to meet potential relationship.

Many (though certainly not all) find these places to be depressing sources of discomfort and disappointment. So what’s the alternative? In making the effort to meet a potential relationship, the trick is to set up a no lose situation. When you’re in the mood to meet new friends, go only to places that you enjoy. By a no lose situation I mean that by being at places where you would naturally enjoy yourself, you’re most likely to have a good time whether you meet someone or not.

Perhaps the gym, golf, tennis, literary book clubs or places where you can take a fun course in something that interests you are places that you would enjoy going. The important thing is that if you would frequent them even if you were in a satisfactory relationship, or not looking for one at all – then you’re on the right track. When you’re doing the things you enjoy, you look and feel your best and you come across as your more attractive . And you’ll rarely leave with that “dreaded” sense of disappointment.


Just about everyone experiences some amount of sadness, and most of us at one time or another, experience an occasional bout of depression. Depression has many possible causes. They can be medical or psychological. A very common psychological cause of depression is low self-esteem, and the tendency to put yourself down for circumstances beyond your control. It ultimately does you no good to blame yourself for not being able to change what you have defined and see as unchangeable. So if depression is a problem you have, you might want to look at what you tell yourself about the issues, circumstances or people in your life that you want to change but can’t. Do you have the tendency to think of yourself negatively, instead of with acceptance? Do you dwell on small disappointments and have difficulty letting go of the slightest upset? Do you lack the motivation and energy to carry out necessary tasks? These are all contributors to, if not causes of depression. Finally, if depression persists beyond a few weeks, seek professional help. Effective short-term treatment can literally turn your entire life around.

Cure for Boredom

Do you experience boredom easily or often? Maybe even constantly or worse yet, do you sometimes feel as though there is no way out of that boredom?

If so, it is possible that specific situations bore you or on the other hand, that you are bored with your life in general. Either way I believe that you certainly have a choice.

My definition of boredom is that frame of mind when you do not like what’s happening, but you are not willing to do whatever is necessary to change it. Again, you can be talking about a very specific situation, the way you see your entire life or anything in between.

Sometimes it’s easy to forget that life takes on only the meanings that we give it, and that the meaning for our lives is almost always under our control. So the next time you’re feeling bored, ask yourself what it is that you may be unwilling to change. If you can confront those issues head on, not only won’t you experience boredom, but in its place will be a renewed sense of power over that aspect or even your entire life.

Communicating Sexual Desires

Unfortunately many couples let sex become less and less of an important part of their relationship simply because of the failure of each partner to communicate their sexual desires to each other.

Although this is extremely prevalent, the good news is that it’s a problem that is very easily correctable. Usually when sexual desires are not communicated, it’s for one of these reasons:

It could be fear of disclosure or embarrassment. This fear is usually unwarranted because studies have shown that the more couples share their sexual desires, the more they describe their marriage as characterized by intimacy.

The second is the belief that your partner ought to know what turns you on without your having to communicate that information. It’s rare to find a couple that can satisfy each other without an explicit exchange of this information. In addition, that attitude is often a cause of needless anger.
So take the plunge. Share those desires and see how quickly sexual ecstasy can be rejuvenated in your relationship.


Are you an ambivalent person? Ambivalence is the state of mind we are in when we are undecided. For some people, it is a way of life. If so, consider this: ambivalence in and of itself can actually ruin your life. Theoretically, if you had everything that you could possibly want going for you, but you were ambivalent about life’s decisions and circumstances, no matter what you had in your life, you could be dwelling on the fact that you should be doing something else.

Now granted, a little ambivalence protects you from extreme thoughtlessness or recklessness, but beyond that, it would only serve to hold you back in the areas of your life that you consider to be most important. By failing to act you could be keeping yourself in what I have long referred to as “a comfortable state of discomfort” indefinitely.

If ambivalence is your problem, you can start to break that pattern today by testing your instincts and by making at least one decision that you have been putting off. Every time you avoid an important decision, you actually make that decision by default. But when you change that pattern act, decisively and stick to it— your life is back in your own hands.

Who Feels Good After The Breakup Of A Marital Or Other Long Term Relationship?

In spite of what you may have thought, some people do actually feel good immediately after the breakup of a marital or other long-term relationship.

Some well controlled research confirms that those who have been engaged in extra-martial affairs (what I have referred to in The Art of Staying Together as a prebound relationship which is similar to a rebound relationship, but occurs before the breakup), those who are characterized as having done the leaving rather than being left and those who have clear goals following their breakup are most likely to feel good. In addition, if you’re a man, the better educated you are and the higher your status, the better your chances are to feel good immediately after the breakup. If you’re a woman, however, generally you’re more likely to feel good sooner than you would if you were a man. If you’re a woman with custody, you’re more likely to feel better than your ex-husband, and if you’re not bothered by the guilt induced by religious beliefs you’re likely to feel better. However, these are just the results of some research. Most importantly, if you are in that situation, by addressing the obstacles you are facing one by one, you can work hard to make yourself feel better about your reality, regardless of your circumstances.

Talking to Teens about Sex

Have you ever wondered why many parents have so much difficulty talking to their children about sex? I’m referring particularly to teenagers and adolescents where the knowledge about areas such as sex, sexual values, contraceptives, and the dangers of contracting sexually transmittable diseases are so crucial to communicate.

Many parents are frankly embarrassed about the topic of sex. They often feel that by talking to their children about it, that they are either going to encourage promiscuity, or stir up something that they will be sorry for later.

While adolescents are often fond of acting as though they know it all, are independent and without concern about these things; most actually wish that they could talk to their parents about sex. But sometimes, they might also feel as though they’ll be railroaded into some value system that’s not their own or ultimately in their best interest.

IF you are a parent struggling with this dilemma, you may want to share with your adolescent some of the ambivalences you felt when you were in their shoes. With a little bit of appropriate self-disclosure, you can possibly open up that dialogue with your adolescent that you may have never before imagined possible. Once that happens, no topic will again feel taboo.

Surviving The Economic Crisis

There are few things that can throw a family into as much emotional turmoil, as can an economic crisis. This could be caused by sudden unemployment, a large unexpected expense, a disability, a major financial loss or, of course, a sudden and devastating change in our economic climate—such as the one we are now experiencing.

Where many families cause themselves needless trouble, is when there is polarization during a crisis instead of coming together. Polarization or coming apart, often results from the blaming and hindsight that are nothing more than symptoms of anxiety and fear.

There is nothing more necessary during a period of economic crisis than for every member of the family to make any effort possible to be supportive of each other.

While pulling in the same direction may not correct the financial hardship itself, it will certainly minimize the potentially devastating psychological effects.

In fact, many couples and families will tell you that they were able to become even closer as a result of crisis—economic or otherwise. If this can happen in your situation, you may actually be able to look back at it someday as a blessing in disguise.

Stress Is A Treatable Illness

By now, you probably know that in today’s world, stress plays a role in up to 90% of all disease. Stressors themselves can be extraordinary events, but usually they are simply the pressures of daily living. Distress, however, or that which is most associated with illness is the difference between those daily pressures and our ability to cope with them.

No matter how hard you try, you won’t completely avoid the stress of daily living. But you can learn both to reduce your stressors and increase your coping skills at the same time. This is a matter of looking at many of your attitudes and habits. Perhaps you’ve bitten off more than you can chew or maybe you’re not making as much out of your life as you wish you could. These are things that can be turned around, provided you make the commitment to do so. Although stress is experienced by everyone, it’s not handled the same by everyone. It’s important that you know when stress is turning into distress, so that you can take action before your health is affected.

Some basic practices to stress management include:

  • Setting realistic goals and assessing them periodically
  • Putting regular exercise such as walking 30-45 minutes per day or aerobics into your life
  • Practicing daily meditation or relaxation exercises
  • Carefully managing your time
  • And most importantly spending that precious time doing more of the things that you enjoy.

Staying Together For The Children

Studies that have measured the self –esteem of children from both divorced and intact homes, have found that self-esteem is higher for children from divorced homes than it is for children in intact, unhappy homes. This research shatters the myth that it is better to keep an otherwise unhappy marriage intact solely for the benefit of the children.

Now no one is arguing that an intact happy home is not the best of all possible worlds; but in examining this issue, whether to have an “intact happy home” is not the question.

If it appears that your marriage can’t be a happy one, you have left no stone unturned in saving a relationship that could provide an atmosphere of warmth and love for both the adults and the children, then before making the final decision, you may need to deal with one last obstacle – the guilt you may be experiencing about the effect your divorce will have on the children.

Once you have come to terms with that guilt, the answer—either way— will be obvious. The best thing you can provide your children is a happy parent who can be emotionally free to provide them with the maturity and guidance they need.