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Welcome to Dr. Michael Broder's
resource page to help you evaluate your marriage or love
relationship!
Please scroll
down for the Assessment Inventory.
Assessment Inventory
To help you evaluate your MARRIAGE OR LOVE RELATIONSHIP
For over twenty years I have searched for a foolproof "litmus
test" that could save people from the pain of fruitlessly trying
to revive a relationship that has virtually no chance for
success (as well as from abandoning troubled relationships that
could be turned around if only the partners could see that
proverbial forest through the trees).
The inventory that you are about to
take in this chapter comes about as close to the standard of a
litmus test that I (or the many colleagues of mine who have used
it) have found. I first put together the inventory I call
Can
Your Relationship Be Saved? for my book,
The Art of Staying
Together. This self-assessment has also been used by scores of
mental health professionals with their clients/patients with
good results. Over the years I have received much feedback,
which I have taken into account to both revise and expand this
inventory. So think of it as a self-assessment which can not
only provide you with some additional insights to make you aware
of some of the warning signs that exist, but it is also designed
to help you both see and make the choices that could lead either
to the healing (and even deepening) of your relationship, or the
straightforward decision to end it.
If it is appropriate, have
your partner take it as well--- but separately. If both of you
take it, I suggest you to wait until each of you is completely
finished before you compare your answers or discuss any of the
implications.
Can Your Relationship Be Saved?
Self-Assessment Inventory begins
here:
Please take a piece of paper and
number it from one to fifty. Then simply put a check mark next
to the number of each True statement that describes your
relationship.
1. My partner and I no longer feel like
friends.
___ True
___ False
2. My partner and I have
developed a very strong wall that separates us.
___ True
___ False
3. I am constantly thinking
about how nice it would be to have an affair.
___ True
___ False
4. When my partner and I
fight, it gets nasty and I am left with feelings of wanting to
get out.
___ True
___ False
5. My partner has told me
at a time other than when we were in the middle of a fight that
he or she would be happier if we split up.
___ True
___ False
6. I am unwilling to accept
my partner as he/she is. If this relationship is to continue,
he/she will have to make some very major changes that he/she is
unwilling to make.
___ True
___ False
7. My partner and I have
little in common anymore.
___ True
___ False
8. I would leave this
relationship in a heartbeat if I felt confident that I could
make it on my own or if I knew I could get through the painful
transition of a breakup.
___ True
___ False
9. Although I no longer
love my partner, I feel responsible for him/her. I think the
only thing that is really keeping me here is guilt.
___ True
___ False
10. My partner and I fight
a lot and I fear that underneath the fighting there is not much
left.
___ True
___ False
11. When I am about to be
around my partner and I think of having to spend time with
him/her, I get an empty feeling.
___ True
___ False
12. My partner and I are
just no longer playing for the same team.
___ True
___ False
13. The more time goes by;
the more I begin to dislike my partner.
___ True
___ False
14. My respect for my
partner is practically or totally gone.
___ True
___ False
15. There is very little
trust left in our relationship.
___ True
___ False
16. I constantly fear my
partner's abusive behavior. If it happens again, I am leaving.
___ True
___ False
17. My partner abuses
alcohol and/or drugs. It is even more intolerable to me that
he/she denies that the usage is a problem.
___ True
___ False
18. I can only tolerate my
partner if one of us is high on alcohol or drugs.
___ True
___ False
19. If I could afford it
financially I would leave.
___ True
___ False
20. My partner has an
emotional hold on me. I would love to leave but feel too hooked
and addicted to the relationship.
___ True
___ False
21. My partner has children
whom I am expected to relate to. The relationship would be fine
if they were not there, but they are here to stay and it is
creating a very unhappy situation for me.
___ True
___ False
22. I should want my
relationship to continue, or I want to want my relationship to
continue, but I cannot say that I do want it to continue.
___ True
___ False
23. We are unable to
resolve our differences together, but my partner refuses to
enter counseling or therapy.
___ True
___ False
24. My partner has told me
that he/she does not love me anymore.
___ True
___ False
25. My partner has done
something for which I cannot forgive him/her. This was the straw
that broke the camel's back.
___ True
___ False
26. We just have so many
differences that it is unrealistic to think we can even begin to
address them.
___ True
___ False
27. I am so overwhelmed by
my partner's constant demands for love and approval,
perfectionism, and/or rigid rules of how the relationship should
be and how each of us should behave within it, that sometimes I
just want to give up.
___ True
___ False
28. I am almost certain my
partner is having an affair and if this is true I will not
tolerate it.
___ True
___ False
29. I feel closer to my
partner when we are not together.
___ True
___ False
30. There is definitely
more pain than joy or pleasure associated with my partner and
our relationship.
___ True
___ False
31. This relationship has
become a constant burden.
___ True
___ False
32. If I knew I could find
another mate, I would leave immediately.
___ True
___ False
33. I am having an affair
with someone I value much more than my partner, and I am
unwilling to give this other person up under any circumstances.
___ True
___ False
34. I feel very indifferent
toward my partner and have little motivation to try and work
things out.
___ True
___ False
35. My most stress-free
moments are when my partner and I are not together.
___ True
___ False
36. My partner and I are
totally inflexible with each other.
___ True
___ False
37. I don't even have a
desire to tell my partner how I feel anymore positive or
negative.
___ True
___ False
38. Our relationship has
peaked and could never again be as good as it once was.
___ True
___ False
39. When I think of us
growing old together, life seems not worth living.
___ True
___ False
40. At this point, there is
just too much water under the bridge.
___ True
___ False
41. When I think of leaving
my partner I feel relieved.
___ True
___ False
42. I have wanted to leave
for a long time, but my partner has said he/she will commit
suicide if I do.
___ True
___ False
43. I constantly have to
choose between my partner and my family (of origin).
___ True
___ False
44. My partner is abusive
to the children a situation I am powerless to stop as long as
they are all in the same environment.
___ True
___ False
45. This relationship does
not allow me to grow.
___ True
___ False
46. My partner does not fit
into my future plans.
___ True
___ False
47. I want to leave but, I
cannot see myself pulling it off I am stuck.
___ True
___ False
48. I need my partner much
more than I love him/her.
___ True
___ False
49. I love my partner but
am not in love with him/her.
___ True
___ False
50. We have tried
everything and nothing seems to help.
___ True
___ False
Evaluation of Inventory
The evaluation of this
self-assessment is done a bit differently from what you may have
expected. If you thought that I was going to ask you to count
the number of statements that were true (or false); and then
based on that, I would give you range of where you are "safe to
stay together", where your relationship is "potentially in
trouble", or where it is "doomed", read on; as its not
at all that simple! Any one of the items in this inventory to
which you answered true could mean that your relationship is
already in serious trouble to some degree or heading there.
What really needs to be looked at is
the reason(s) you answered, true to any item where true
applies especially to those items that consistently
characterize your relationship or which often evoke negative emotions
for you and/or your partner. Also, you may notice that some item
or items apply to your relationship, but only to a mild degree
(on a scale from 0 to 10, say a 1, 2 or 3). In this
case, it may be accurate to consider the item in question to be
a warning sign or signal that a serious problem could be
developing; but you may have caught it in time.
Below is another visit to
each item in our Can Your Relationship Be Saved? Inventory.
Only this time I have included the degree of risk an answer of
"true" usually represents, some perspective on the item, and in
many cases a reference to the chapter(s) of
Can Your Relationship Be Saved? that
contains strategies to explore that issue. (Each chapter in Parts
II and III are designed to be similar in nature to seminars in
their various topics, with many possible approaches to each
issue covered, and strategies for solutions.)
You will
notice that I dont point you to specific techniques or
strategies that are in the book or
complimentary audio program for each item in the inventory.
This is because I want you to try them all. That is the only way
you will quickly and precisely discover what works best for you
in your own unique situation. Additionally, its important to
honor the complexity of your relationship by acknowledging that
no one approach fits all. Thats why I include so many
strategies for you to choose from. Any item for which you answered
"true" also represents an excellent starting point for therapy.
1. My partner and I no longer feel
like friends.
Moderate risk:
Explore how this has changed over time, along with the following
questions: Can you pinpoint the issue or issues that may be
responsible? Do you want to be friends? What are you willing to
do to turn this situation around? What could your partner do?
2. My partner and I have
developed a very strong wall that separates us.
Moderate to High-risk:
What function is this wall serving? Would you really feel better
off without it, or does the purpose it serves make you vested in
keeping that wall standing? How troubling is your wall? Do you
and your partner agree that it is a problem that deserves
attention and a commitment to work through? If so, Chapters 5
and 6 will be helpful.
3. I am constantly thinking about
how nice it would be to have an affair.
Moderate risk:
As long as it is kept on a fantasy level (unless your
relationship is not a monogamous one). Is there someone in
particular? Is your fantasy saying that your sex life is
unfulfilling? Chapters 5 and 6 will contain some perspectives
for addressing this issue.
4. When my partner and I fight,
it gets nasty and I am often left with feelings of wanting to
get out.
Moderate risk: This may
indicate that the two of you need to learn to stay on the issue
you are arguing about without allowing each disagreement to get
global or too personal. That will enable you to fight more
fairly. To address a climate characterized by anger, look at the
demands and unrealistic expectations that either or both of you
may be putting on your relationship or each other. These demands
are the backbone of that painful emotion of anger and the
frustration that underlies it. The emotion of anger itself can
take on a life of its own, and overwhelm--- or become bigger
than the issue or problem you are arguing about. Often when this
happens and no relief is in sight, getting out can feel like
the only doable option In Chapters 5 and 6, I offer some
strategies for handling anger.
5. My partner has told me at a
time other than when we were in the middle of a fight that he or
she would be happier if we split up.
Moderate to High risk:
When statements such as that are made in the heat of an
argument, the problem is often one with anger itself. But when
said at a relatively calm time, that could indicate a rather
serious high-risk problem(s) that need to be addressed. On the
other hand, sometimes statements like that are the turning point
where a couple that has been avoiding dealing with any
unpleasantness finally starts talking about what may be an
accumulation of a lot of small issues that could be resolved
one-by-one in order to clear the air (and then learn never to
fall into that trap again). In that case, consider this a more
moderate-risk item.
6. I am unwilling to accept my
partner as he/she is. If this relationship is to continue,
she/he will have to make some very major changes that he/she is
unwilling to make.
High risk: The key
word here is "unwilling." You are unwilling to accept your
partner; your partner is unwilling to change. Something has to
give either your level of acceptance, your partner's attitude
about changing, or your expectation of having a fulfilling
relationship. In Chapter 3, I will discuss the matter of
breaking impasses.
7. My partner and I have little in
common anymore.
Moderate risk: The
most successful relationships are those that have commonality.
But even the best couples do grow apart in certain aspects of
their lives. So a discussion of what may be missing needs to
occur. Then common interests, friends, or whatever it was you
used to enjoy or share together needs to be revived in a way
that makes sense given where you now are in your lives as a
couple and in your individual growth processes. Chapter 6 will
contain some strategies for developing more commonality
together.
8. I would leave this relationship
in a heartbeat if I felt confident that I could make it on my
own or if I knew I could get through the painful transition of a
breakup.
High risk: The
culprit here could be your own self-esteem, and ability to see
yourself as someone who can make it without a relationship, so
that you are not wasting your life by staying together only out
of fear and excessive dependency. Some strategies for arriving
at this can be found in Chapters 4 and 7.
9. Although I no longer love my
partner, I feel responsible for him/her. I think the only thing
that is really keeping me here is guilt.
High risk: Guilt can
be a nasty set of golden handcuffs, if that is truly all
thats keeping you there. However, some people tell themselves
this merely as a way of denying their own dependency. Chapters 4
and 7 contain some strategies for helping you to visualize a
life outside of your relationship. See if this visualization
makes a difference. Chapter 3 looks at the role of guilt in
keeping relationships together.
10. My partner and I fight a lot,
and I fear that underneath the fighting there is not much left.
Moderate to high risk:
Anger often masks a lot of positive feelings that could be lying
just beneath the surface. But to get to the good stuff, that
anger has got to be resolved first. To the extent that the
issues triggering your anger cannot be resolved (or you confirm
that underneath the is not much left), this can become a
high-risk item. Take some time when you are not feeling angry to
identify and attempt to work as a team to resolve at least some
of those anger-provoking issues you can both agree are there.
Chapter5 and 6 will give you some strategies to help you do
this.
11. When I am about to be around
my partner and I think of having to spend time with him/her, I
get an empty feeling.
High risk: Often
feelings of emptiness that are triggered in this manner indicate
a longing for something that may not be able to be enjoyed while
you remain in this relationship. Chapter 4 will help you look at
this.
12. My partner and I are just no
longer playing for the same team.
Moderate risk: Is
this a mutual thing or just your feeling? Check this out. To the
extent that it is a mutual thing, you can work together to
resolve it. If your partner shares this concern, you may want to
explore some of the strategies in Chapters 5 and 6. If it is not
mutual, explore what needs to happen for you in order to get
back on board.
13. The more time goes by; the
more I begin to dislike my partner.
High risk: This can
result from the reality that you are not growing together, or
that a resentment or disrespect that is festering. The more this
trend continues (without identifying and resolving the
underlying issues), the more painful your life will become until
the only option left is to separate.
14. My respect for my partner is
practically or totally gone.
High risk: Restoring
respect once it is gone is somewhere between extremely difficult
and impossible. The only exception to the rule is if you can
pinpoint a specific issue(s) that caused this trend to begin,
and then work it through. Chapters 3,5 and 6 contain strategies
that are well worth your effort to explore if you are to save
your relationship.
15. There is very little trust left
in our relationship.
High risk: This is
quite similar to item 14 in that lost trust that cannot be tied
to a specific resolvable issue is usually irreversible. (An
exception may be where the lack of trust is a personality staple
that extends to many other aspects of life such as in the case
of people who characteristically tend to evaluate others in a
paranoid manner.)
16. I constantly fear my partner's
abusive behavior. If it happens again, I am leaving.
High risk: No one
should ever have to tolerate abuse! Waiting for it to happen
again is not an acceptable strategy either unless some concrete
steps have been taken to change this pattern. What is it that
allows you subject yourself to this? Do you think this type of
behavior can ever be justified? Are you afraid of the
repercussions of leaving? The practical issues such as money,
the children, housing or further retribution? Or do you truly
believe that something definitive can change? Just remember that
experience has shown that abuse does not usually extinguish
itself. Chapter 3 will help you to evaluate this while Chapters
4 and 7 will afford you a look at what life for you could be if
you choose to leave.
17. My partner abuses alcohol
and/or drugs. It is even more intolerable to me that he/she
denies that the usage is a problem.
High risk: Those who
abuse alcohol or drugs or, better put, abuse themselves with
alcohol or drugs can make any relationship unworkable. Until the
problem is acknowledged, you need to decide just how much of an
issue this is for you and what your bottom line is with respect
to your tolerance of it within your relationship.
18. I can only tolerate my partner
if one of us is high on alcohol or drugs.
High risk: Many of
the same reasons apply here that apply to item 17. The
difference is that you need to be anesthetized in order to be
able to stand your partner. Why? Is this something that you are
unfairly laying on your partner? Or is the climate that
intolerable? If the latter is true, at a time when you are sober
look at every possible reason why this may be so. Strategies
contained in all of the remaining chapters of this book can
provide you help depending on what issues you identify as
needing to be resolved within yourself, with respect to your
partner, and between the two of you--- as a couple--- for this
to change. I realize that turning something like this around
could be a tall order. But if you cant, the handwriting is on
the wall.
19. If I could afford it financially
I would leave.
Moderate risk: This is
a very commonly heard mantra that many who have a feeling of
generalized unhappiness believe until the opportunity to leave
presents itself. Pretend for a minute you have no choice but to
leave; and you have to make financial arrangements to do so.
Chances are, if you had no choice you could pull it off.
Strategies in chapters 3, 4 and 7 can help you with this vision.
Remember the only commodity that you cannot replace is time. And
time spent in an unpeaceful, unhappy situation that you tell
yourself you cannot change is perhaps the worst possible use of
that irreplaceable time.
20. My partner has an emotional
hold on me. I would love to leave but feel too hooked and
addicted to the relationship.
High risk: What you
are saying here is if you could become emotionally free, you
would leave. Chapters 3, 4 and 7 will provide strategies to get
beyond a situation such as this or at the very least to see
beyond it in order to make a choice.
21. My partner has children whom
I am expected to relate to. The relationship would be fine if
they were not there, but they are here to stay and it is
creating a very unhappy situation for me.
Moderate to high risk:
Chances are the children are here to stay. But blending families
and step‑parenting is an extremely complicated issue. Pulling it
off requires maximum cooperation from both partners. You and
your partner need to take this quite seriously and realize that
you will probably not be together long, unless you can maneuver
this very difficult balancing act. On the other hand, if you are
unwilling to attempt this, it is probably just a matter of time,
thus you are at high risk.
22. I should want my relationship
to continue, or I want to want my relationship to continue, but
I cannot say that I do want it to continue.
High risk: Chapters
3, 4 and 5 have much to say about this situation. Often that
attitude occurs when passion has drained out of the
relationship, but it still feels comfortable to stay. Experience
shows that unless this is worked through, what comfort exists
will drain away over time and lead to resentment.
23. We are unable to resolve our
differences together, but my partner refuses to enter counseling
or therapy.
Moderate risk: As
widely accepted as counseling or therapy is to some people, to
others there is still a stigma to it with lots of negative
associations. I suggest that you find a therapist who works with
both individuals and couples, and then initially attend
yourself. If it is determined that couples therapy is indicted,
work with that therapist on some strategies for bringing your
partner in. Practically every therapist who works with both
individuals and couples faces this situation routinely.
24. My partner has told me that
he/she does not love me anymore.
Moderate to high risk:
It is important to look at the context in which this statement
was made. In the middle of an argument it is less serious, but
nonetheless something that needs to be explored when the anger
dies down. Without anger attached to it, it is more likely to be
high risk. Chapters 3 and 5 contain some strategies to check out
just what this means, as well as what the implications are.
25. My partner has done something
for which I cannot forgive him/her. This was the straw that
broke the camel's back.
High risk: The
metaphor of the straw that breaks a camel's back indicates that
there have been numerous unresolved issues that taken by
themselves may be quite small, but when added up amount to
something rather large. Learning how to deal with these (instead
of sweeping them under the rug-- to use another metaphor) is
probably your only redeeming feature. No relationship will
survive happily if you cant learn how to get past life's
upsets. Chapter 6 explores this in detail.
26. We just have so many differences
that it is unrealistic to think we can even begin to address
them.
Moderate risk:
The question here is do you want to address them? Is this item
true only when you are angry? Did these differences always
exist? Are you only becoming aware of them now? Are they the
flip side of some of the very reasons that you became attracted
to each other as discussed in Chapter 1? Chapters 3, 5 and 6
contain strategies that can be helpful for evaluating just how
much of a problem this may be.
27. I am so overwhelmed by my
partner's constant demands for love and approval, perfectionism,
and/or rigid rules of how the relationship should be and how
each of us should behave within it that sometimes I just want to
give up.
Moderate risk: What
needs to happen for this climate change? Is this a constant
thing or does it just come up only with specific issues? What
compromises need to be made? What compromises can be made? Does
your partner know how these things affect you? And is his or her
attitude one of concern or indifference to your feelings.
Numerous strategies throughout the remainder of this book will
address difference aspects of this issue.
28. I am almost certain my partner
is having an affair and if this is true I will not tolerate it.
Moderate to high risk:
Believe it or not, many relationships have become stronger after
either the acknowledgment of an affair or the fear of it is
brought out and dealt with. There is no easy answer here,
because you are dealing with trust one of the most important
fabrics of the relationship itself. Chapter 3 contains ways to
help you look at the issue of trust.
29. I feel closer to my partner
when we are not together.
Moderate risk: This
can just be a sign of burnout, which in a relationship is an
indicator that perhaps you need to take some quality time for
yourself. When you are ready to come back after a timeout, the
relationship often will be much stronger. When I say, time out
or "come back" I am not necessarily referring to a physical
separation. It s possible that you need to examine some of your
own goals and lifestyle options, including things that could or
should be done apart from your relationship. Strategies to help
you evaluate this situation are contained in Chapter 3, 4 and 5.
30. There is definitely more pain
than joy or pleasure associated with my partner and our
relationship.
Moderate to high risk:
If there is an identifiable issue causing this particular
feeling, then this is a moderate risk item; and resolving that
issue is your mission. This is often a temporary situation that
can be gotten through. It becomes a high-risk item to the extent
that there is no identifiable issue; but instead you are
describing a more general feeling. So the first step here is
certainly to identify what is making this statement true.
Chapters 3, 4 and 5 could be particularly helpful to you.
31. This relationship has become a
constant burden.
High risk: If this
is the case, what is keeping you there? Even more importantly,
can you identify what could possibly make you see the
relationship more positively? Strategies in Chapter 3 may help
you to shed some light on this dilemma.
32. If I knew I could find another
mate, I would leave immediately.
High risk: This all
too common feeling is the one behind most rebound relationships.
It is grounded in the notion that you cannot make it on your
own. By discovering that you could go it alone, you are in a
much better position to make the choices necessary here.
Chapters 4 and 7 thoroughly address that.
33. I am having an affair with
someone I value much more than my partner; and I am unwilling to
give this other person up under any circumstances.
High risk: Based on
nothing else but that statement, it is probably inevitable that
should the person you are having an affair with become available
as a primary relationship, that is the direction you will go. If
this is not the case, then its important to thoroughly explore
just what it is that you are doing and why, so that at the very
least this doesnt become a pattern you repeat in your next
relationship. Strategies in Chapter 4 will help you do that.
34. I feel very indifferent
toward my partner; and have little motivation to try and work
things out.
High risk: You are
already out of the relationship emotionally. All that remains
for you is the status quo. Is this acceptable? Only you can
answer that. Chapters 3, 4 and 7 can be helpful to you here.
35. My most stress-free moments
are when my partner and I are not together.
Moderate risk:
Unless it goes beyond those specific issues that you recognize
and are dealing with, and then it becomes high risk. How did the
climate get to be this way? Does your partner also have this
view of your relationship? Have you shared this feeling with
your partner? Strategies for this item can be found in Chapter
3.
36. My partner and I are totally
inflexible with each other.
Moderate risk:
Chances are you have unconsciously collaborated in your
inflexibility. Again, does your partner share this view? Are you
willing to discuss it, work on it and do whatever it takes to
turn this pattern of inflexibility around? If you both agree
that this is an important thing to do, you are most of the way
there. Chapter 6 will give you helpful strategies. If there
cannot be a mutual agreement to work on this, then nobody is
winning. I would then direct you to Chapter 3.
37. I don't even have a desire to
tell my partner how I feel anymore positive or negative.
Moderate to high risk:
Depending on just what your hidden feelings are, this could be a
high-risk item. What has made the idea of sharing your feelings
so distasteful? Has your partner shown an unwillingness to hear
what you have to say? Do you fear consequences such as
rejection? It sounds as though your long-term happiness, both
individually and as a couple depends on taking the risk. Once
you are able to at least try to communicate, I think things will
become much clearer to you. However, if what you are saying is
that the relationship is so dead that it is not even worth the
effort, then you are in extremely high-risk territory. In this
case, you need to ask yourself why are you procrastinating with
what is probably the inevitable?
38. Our relationship has peaked
and could never again be as good as it once was.
Low risk:
Many couples believe that their relationship is on the way down
when that effortless initial passion begins to wear off. But the
real issue here is acknowledging together the desire for what
you had, and working as a team to recreate it. This is a normal
adjustment issue (not unlike having children or relocating) that
can feel far worse than it really is in terms of the stress it
might potentially put on to you as a couple. Your willingness to
see it for what it is and commit to getting past it together is
usually most of the battle. (However, a lack of that willingness
from either partner to do what it takes to get past your
adjustment issues together certainly has the potential to
upgrade them to moderate or even high risk!) This is the only
item in this inventory that is actually low risk because it is
something that virtually every couple experiences in one form or
another throughout the course of a long-term relationship. (In
fact, my definition of a long-term relationship is one that
survives the normal bumps in the road such as the decrease of
that initial passion.) Unfortunately, many couples put far more
weight on this feeling alone than it usually deserves!
39. When I think of us growing
old together, life seems not worth living.
High risk: With this
feeling, what could possibly be keeping you there? Please
explore this thoroughly with the strategies in Chapter 3 and 4
and then 7.
40. At this point, there is just
too much water under the bridge.
Moderate to high risk:
This implies an accumulation of issues (often the small ones you
have hoped would go away by ignoring them) that have not been
dealt with as they have come up (similar to that straw that
always seems to break the camel's back). If you still harbor a
desire to keep the relationship together, start by looking at
those items under that bridge one‑by‑one until the answer
becomes clear. If there is no desire to do that, then upgrade
this item to high risk.
41. When I think of leaving my
partner I feel relieved.
High risk: It sounds
as though you are beginning to accept the inevitable. Chapter 7
will be helpful to you.
42. I have wanted to leave for a
long time, but my partner has said he/she will commit suicide if
I do.
High risk: You need
to weigh the rest of your life against this threat. There are no
easy answers here. But as long as a threat of this type is the
only thing keeping you together, what hope is there for you to
have any fulfillment? Any threat of suicide must be taken
seriously. Thus, as a most important short-term issue, your
partner and his or her state of mind certainly need to be
attended to. But your long-term happiness does not deserve to be
neglected or ignored either. There are strategies for you in
each remaining chapter in the book.
43. I constantly have to choose
between my partner and my family (of origin).
Moderate risk: Both
your partner and your family are realities that cannot be
ignored. The first question you might ask yourself is whether
you are willing to do whatever it takes to reconcile the
differences and/or workout a peaceful arrangement where you can
all coexist. If not, then you know that a difficult choice will
inevitably need to be made.
44. My partner is abusive to the
children a situation I am powerless to stop as long as they
are all living in the same environment.
High risk: This is
one situation where you have to look at what your highest duty
is. Legally, morally, ethically and with respect to every other
aspect of this situation (with the possible exception of what
hedonism might exist between the two of you at times), a true
for this item says that you need to leave if not for your own
peace of mind, for the protection of your children. This is one
item where there is very little flexibility or room for margin
of error.
45. This relationship does not
allow me to grow.
Moderate to high-risk:
Couples in long-term relationships particularly those that
began when the partners were young often find that they have
slowly begun to walk on different paths. When this happens-- if
enough passion and comfort are still present, and there are
feelings and a desire on both of your parts to stay together,
you can work on changing the climate so that your personal
growth is possible. However, this item will become high risk to
the extent that either of you is inflexible about making the
kind of changes that will allow both of you to grow as you need
to.
46. My partner does not fit into
my future plans.
High risk: This
sounds like a very unambiguous statement. Can you come to any
basis for keeping the relationship intact? If this cannot be
converted to a relationship issue where both of you are willing
to make some necessary and crucial changes, there is not much
that can be done.
47. I want to leave, but I cannot
see myself pulling it off I am stuck.
High risk: Your
desire to leave is pretty straightforward. But what is the glue
that still keeps you there: The children? Change in social
status? Finances? Family rejection? Feelings of failure or
inadequacy? Fear of going it alone or not meeting someone else?
Perhaps you are someone who puts down divorced people, never
expecting yourself to be in that category. Do you fear your own
future? (These are just a few of the possible issues behind
this.) Its important now for you to soul search and see exactly
what is behind the "I cannot" statement. That is the key. When
strategies to deal with each of them are explored, see if there
is still resistance. If so, then chances are you are not being
honest with yourself regarding your desires. Look for hidden
issues. Strategies in Chapter 3 should be helpful to you in this
regard.
48. I need my partner much more than
I love him/her.
Moderate risk: Many
stay in relationships out of need. That is a decision regarding
values that only you can make. There are ways to rekindle what
sparks are left. (See Chapter 6 for strategies.) But try this
exercise: Make a list of what the needs are that your
relationship fulfills. For each need you list, try to identify
an alternative method of fulfilling it. Do this in the privacy
of your own mind. See if or how this changes your perspective.
Also, consult the strategies in Chapter 5.
49. I love my partner but am not
in love with him/her.
Moderate risk: This
is the passion versus comfort dilemma. Truly loving a person is
usually incentive to leave no stone unturned in trying to arrive
at a satisfactory degree of fulfillment. You could be harboring
some romanticized (as opposed to romantic) notion that solid
relationships dont need to be worked on. Most classical love
stories are about short-term relationships, where the book or
movie ends before the lovers initial passion does. Strategies
in Chapters 5 and 6 for re-igniting passion, along with a frank
and intimate discussion about your feelings could make the huge
difference here that you are seeking.
50. We have tried everything and
nothing seems to help.
Moderate risk:
Hopefully in the remaining chapters of this book you will find
numerous strategies that you haven't tried. If this item is
still true by the time you complete this book, take a good look
at what is really keeping you together. Your bond may be a lot
stronger than you think.
How to Make the Most of this
Inventory
Most of the moderate risk items
refer to issues which can actually be resolved as difficult as
they may be provided, of course, you and your partner are
willing to work hard in the direction of resolving them with the
intention of staying together. High risk items on the other hand
are those most correlated with relationships that cannot be
saved unless a full and mutual acknowledgment of these serious
issues, along with major and generally difficult changes by both
of you, are made.
To summarize, for each item you
answered "true": Can you pinpoint the problem areas that brought
you this far? Theoretically, what would have to happen for your
relationship to get better, or the very least, to be working
again? Are you willing to make those necessary changes that are
important if your relationship is to stay intact? Is your
partner willing? At the very least are you willing to thoroughly
discuss the items for which you answered "true" and your
feelings about them with you partner? What are you willing to do
to demonstrate that flexibility? If changes by either of you are
not on the horizon, is it possible to learn to accept things the
way they are?
If you knew that
your relationship would never get better, what would be your
next step? What are the minimum criteria for determining what
better or salvageable is? What are your partner's? Are you
both willing to talk about this? These are some of the important
things for you now to explore. The Chapters in Parts II and III
of Can Your Relationship Be Saved? will help you to do
that.
View the complete table of contents for
Can Your Relationship Be Saved?... How to Know Whether to
Stay or Go.
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Est. 1987